Addressing Abuse
Letter #2- Who Is Responsible?
Dear church family,
If we want to become a church that fosters healing and avoids abuse, then it is good to ask ourselves, “Who is responsible to make this happen?” The short answer is “All believers.” Still, I want to dig a little deeper and consider why every believer bears some responsibility in bringing this about.
A few months ago, we began discussing the idea of ecclesia. Ecclesia is the Greek word we have translated as church- and the literal meaning of this word is the gathered people, congregation, or the called-out ones. However, we have come to think of church as meaning the building, a worship service, a local congregation, or even the institution of Christian religion. Seldom do we hear the word church and think of it as the people who follow Christ. By reintroducing the word ecclesia, we are reminding ourselves that the church is not a place we visit or a thing we occasional participate in. Ecclesia is something that we are. Failing to understand church in this ecclesia way, we may end up contributing to habits that create a space for abuse to take hold.
I want to be clear, sharing the responsibility of creating healing spaces is not the same as suggesting that abuse is everyone’s fault, nor am I suggesting that every person in the church is an abuser. Each person is not to blame for the abuse that exists in the Christian community, but it is important to recognize that change can only happen when we return to being the gathered people and, together, participate in the healing restoration.
Part of our responsibility is to address some of the lies we may believe about abuse, including:
Once we acknowledge that enabling abuse is a problem and that it cannot be accommodated, we can engage in some practices to help break the habit. Here are some suggestions of what those practices might look like.
Before we can change any outward habits, we have some internal changes to that need to occur.
If we want to become a church that fosters healing and avoids abuse, then it is good to ask ourselves, “Who is responsible to make this happen?” The short answer is “All believers.” Still, I want to dig a little deeper and consider why every believer bears some responsibility in bringing this about.
A few months ago, we began discussing the idea of ecclesia. Ecclesia is the Greek word we have translated as church- and the literal meaning of this word is the gathered people, congregation, or the called-out ones. However, we have come to think of church as meaning the building, a worship service, a local congregation, or even the institution of Christian religion. Seldom do we hear the word church and think of it as the people who follow Christ. By reintroducing the word ecclesia, we are reminding ourselves that the church is not a place we visit or a thing we occasional participate in. Ecclesia is something that we are. Failing to understand church in this ecclesia way, we may end up contributing to habits that create a space for abuse to take hold.
I want to be clear, sharing the responsibility of creating healing spaces is not the same as suggesting that abuse is everyone’s fault, nor am I suggesting that every person in the church is an abuser. Each person is not to blame for the abuse that exists in the Christian community, but it is important to recognize that change can only happen when we return to being the gathered people and, together, participate in the healing restoration.
Part of our responsibility is to address some of the lies we may believe about abuse, including:
- Lie #1- “If we limit positions of power to good people, we can avoid abuse.”- We can use our instincts and resources to make wise choices about who we trust; however, thinking we can eliminate abuse by weeding out the bad people just does not work. It underestimates the ability for people to be deceived. No matter how many background checks we run, references we confirm, or character tests we concoct, there is no foolproof way to predict who will end up an abuser and who will not. This lie also overestimates the goodness of any one individual. Jesus is the only blameless and perfect person- every single other individual has the ability to fail. Lastly, this lie completely ignores that people, especially ones placed in positions of power and authority, often experience high rates of burnout or corruption. People are not static and they will change over time. Without accountability and support, people isolated to special status have difficulty growing in spiritual depth and humility. They are likely to either deplete themselves or to arrogantly believe themselves impervious to failure, and both results are undesirable.
- Lies #2- “Abuse is a result of provocation.” The truth is abuse is not the result of someone provoking an abuser, it is the result of indulging someone’s bad habits. Walking on eggshells never heals a person prone to mistreating others. Anyone who has had experience with abuse understands the desire to avoid triggering the person who can cause suffering. Avoiding those triggers can feel like a safety plan. But the truth is that when poor behaviour is rewarded with control and getting their way, it increases the abuse and does not decrease it.
- Lie #3- “It has nothing to do with me.”- Hearing about the topic of abuse can feel overwhelming; weather we have personal experience with it or not. It is easy to want to create distance with the subject and to think “Well, that is not a problem I am experiencing, so, what does this have to do with me?” Exposing this lie is why the conversation about being ecclesia matters. In remembering that we together are the church, we are reminded that an issue in the church is all our problem. Saying “it has nothing to do with me” has only allowed us to enable the abuse. It is important that we confess our enabling so we can address how to break this habit.
Once we acknowledge that enabling abuse is a problem and that it cannot be accommodated, we can engage in some practices to help break the habit. Here are some suggestions of what those practices might look like.
Before we can change any outward habits, we have some internal changes to that need to occur.
- We get comfortable with being uncomfortable. This is not to say that if you are uncomfortable than you are doing it right, nor am I suggesting that we should ignore our limitations. Rather I am suggesting that experiencing, witnessing, or hearing abuse is an uncomfortable thing- and it should remain so. Often when we are uncomfortable (and we cannot fixt it) we try to mitigate the unpleasantness by avoiding it, excusing it, or making ourselves ok with it- thus enabling abuse. We need to embrace the uncomfortability of abuse so that we never become complacent in allowing it to continue.
- We ask questions. This may seem like an outward practice, but curiosity is the internal questions we ask before we can formulate and articulate the questions we ask others.
- We accept that we CANNOT fix or change others. Jesus is the only one who saves. If fixing others is our motivation, we will try to change them in our timing and according to our expectations. That is never what we are meant to do. We are to be resolute in following Christ, not in finding validation when others agree with us or by avoiding the difficulty of living in contradiction to someone close to us.
- We learn healthy conflict management (emphasis on healthy). The temptation for us is to adopt one type of conflict management style, maybe one that worked well for us in the past, and then just use that same style in all circumstances. For instance, the person who believes themselves to be a peacemaker will solely avoid conflict as much as possible, even when to stay silent makes them complicit in the problem. On the opposite end of the spectrum is the person who has labeled their bullying as bravery, and will use every opportunity to engage conflict, even when it damages more than it fixes. Likewise, the person who has adopted a position of neutrality will try to create compromise and seek middle of the road positions in all matters, even when an emphatic position is called for. Instead, perhaps healthy conflict management looks more like the wisdom of Ecclesiastes. In chapter 3 it suggests that there is a time and place for “everything under the sun”, which would include each of these strategies. Explicitly in verse seven it states that “there is a time to tear and a time to mend, a time to be silent and a time to speak”. These verses suggest that rather than simply relying on one method of conflict management for all circumstances, we all could benefit from learning the wisdom of knowing when it is time to say something, when it is time to be quiet, when it is time to fight, and when it is time to give in.
- We embrace our role in ecclesia. Each of us must find a way to cope with the moral injury that occurs when we are a part of a group that has failed in some significant way. To be a follower of Christ means that we are a part of His church, His ecclesia, or as Paul says, we are His body. The church is not always an easy nor desirable group to be a part of. The hesitations we feel about association with a problematic organization (meaning Christianity as a whole, and at times that includes Community Baptist Church) can lead us to be reserved in our position within said group. Unfortunately, the whole group suffers when so many parts are reserved in their participation. If we can embrace our role in ecclesia, we have the ability reverse course and to participate in a way that contributes to healing for the entire group.
- Every part needs to be in full operation for the body to be healthy. Paul specifically warns against removing or cutting off parts of the body. When various parts refuse to be associated with the rest of the body, the entire body suffers. If the leg refuses to be attached to the body and then observes that the body is not functioning well, is not the leg responsible to return for restoring full functionality. Likewise, if the arm is malformed in a way that causes it to hit the stomach, is it not the responsibility of the rest of the body to restrain the arm from damaging the stomach. Every part of the church is needed to fully participate and contribute in a way that both the body and the individual parts thrive. Neither can find health without the other.
- No one part should be elevated above the others. Paul in this passage recognizes that each person may have differing roles, and that those roles are temporary and subject to change. However, the predominate format for churches in our culture seem to be in contradiction to that image. Many churches are pastor centric, elevating an individual (or a small group of leaders) above and set apart from the rest of the group. Making one part of the body as more important than the rest of the body is problematic. I am grateful that we are striving for a different dynamic in our church. As your pastor I have the privilege to facilitate worship, nurture spiritual development, and foster relationships within our church community- and nothing more. My hope is that we maintain this structure and avoid creating an over reliance on a select few. Paul’s picture of a body gives the image of interdependence. This means our goal is cooperation in relationship to each other- while still accepting our individuality and personal responsibility. It is about partnerships as opposed to a hierarchy of leaders and followers.
- Oppressed parts may need to be given special consideration to be equal to the rest of the body. Paul’s image of a body for ecclesia also indicates a need for us to give special attention to the overlooked parts. When someone has been abused their voice is diminished, it is one of the results of abuse. It takes special recognition to give it equal standing alongside an undiminished voice. There are those who warn against giving special consideration for victims by suggesting that to do so is equating victimhood with innocence or as pre-emptively choosing the oppressed as the “good guy” in a scenario. It is not. It is about being consistent with the same God who told His chosen people in Isaiah 58 that He would ignore them because they failed to feed the hungry and break the yoke of the oppressor. It is consistent with the God who will separate His people based on if they cared for the “least of these” as stated in Matthew 25. It is consistent with Jesus giving the dire warning that anyone who would mistreat the most vulnerable would be better off “tossed into the sea with a millstone hung around his neck” (Luke 17). As ecclesia, we give special attention to the smallest voices because it is the only way to give them equal priority within the body and because it is consistent with the nature of God who also gives special attention to the most vulnerable.
Letter #1- Introduction and Why Priorities Matter
Dear church family,
I want to address a specific concern I have regarding the prevalence of abuse and harm that exists within Christian communities (including churches, homes, educational institutions, and para church organizations). To be clear, and to address any possib le speculation, there is no one person here in our Community Baptist Church congregation that is the catalyst for this concern. Rather, it is my own experience: seeing, stories and news reports of church harm in the wider world, personally hearing many accounts of individuals’ experiences, and witnessing for myself the harms that have occurred in Christian settings. There is a saying that states, “nothing can hurt like a church, also nothing can heal like a church”- I want all of us at Community Baptist Church to be a people that embodies the healing part of that statement. As previously communicated, this is the first of six letters that I intend to share with you addressing this concern. I am fully aware that letters will not effectively stop abuse or heal past hurt. My hope is that these letters will bring awareness, initiate curiosity, prompt discussion, create opportunity for honest assessment, and lead us towards practices which foster healing and prevent further harm.
I want to start by clarifying what I mean when I use words like abuse and harm. Abuse is the action that results in harm. Abuse includes many forms. Mental, physical, emotional, sexual, and spiritual abuse are all forms of abuse, and all lead to results of harm. While I understand that each instance of abuse is unique, and a variety of factors are involved in every abuse scenario, I also want to be clear that it is unnecessary to quantify or compare individual abuse experiences because none of it belongs in the church. Causing hurt has no place amongst a group of people that claim to follow the example of Jesus. We use the word abuse because we do not have to fear using the accurate word that describes mistreating someone and leaving them harmed. We acknowledge that we are called to overcome all forms of abuse and strive for the opposite of abuse- healing- because we have confidence in Christ’s example. Healing, restoration, and renewal is all language used to indicate a reversal from suffering to thriving and is the basis for what we teach as the good news of Jesus.
As the church we are called to be like Jesus. He gave us examples of healing in his life and ministry to learn from and practice. Because of these examples we can face any form of suffering with earnest trust in good outcomes. Here are a few characteristics of what healing like Jesus might look like:
- Healing is the opposite of harm. While it is true that Jesus did not appease people and at times was even wildly unpopular and rejected, he did not abuse people. We must not conflate refusal to appease with justification for causing harm, especially with those who are vulnerable and in our care. If the result of our interactions with others is hurt, especially if this is a common result, we must be honest that we might not be truly following Jesus’ example.
- Healing requires us to get to the source of the injury. Healing is not simply reducing conflict, covering over inflamed situations, or temporary relief. Rather healing addresses the source of harm and removes the cause so that lasting restoration can take place.
- Healing requires direct contact. Jesus came as the incarnate God and interacted directly with those he healed. He laid hands on people, listened to them, and had direct contact with those suffering. Policy, safety protocols, and programing have their place, but are insufficient on their own in preventing future abuse and healing hurt. To be a place of healing requires being directly involved with people. It can be inefficient and messy at times, but to be with people is to be more like Jesus.
- Healing requires love and compassion. Jesus’ example of healing is directly tied to His motivations of love and compassion. Jesus was not just proving a point or trying to impress people with his skills, He truly and deeply loved people and wanted to see them thrive. If we are not motivated by love and compassion and do not genuinely want to see people succeed (especially when we do not benefit from it) then we are not operating as Jesus did.
This brings us to the last part of this letter.
Our priorities matter. I mean two things when I say that priorities matter. The first is that if we treat abuse in the church as a casual problem, we will only give a casual attempt at a solution. Abuse is a serious concern that deserves our serious attention.
A central call in our community is to love God and love people. We do not shy away from the fact that this call is to love God with everything that we have, all our heart, all our soul, all our strength, and all our mind. Loving people is not a separate call; rather the two are integrated and cannot exist separately. We hypocritically claim to love God if we are not loving others, and we cannot even understand what love is unless we first are loved by and reciprocate love with God. The call to love others as we love our selves is a description of HOW we love them. We love others in the same way we love ourselves. This is the priority. If I am hungry, it does not leave my attention until I have satisfied that hunger. If I am hurt, I cannot forget that it happened. The hurt stays with me and it will not get better until it is prioritized and addressed. This is how we love others, as if it was happening to us. We prioritize their healing the same way we prioritize our own.
The second thing I mean when I say “priorities matters” is that we need to assess and be intentional about what matters most to us. St. Augustine talks about living a righteous life through the means of a well-ordered heart. If we prize the things that ought to be loved the most, and we give less love to things that ought to be loved less, then our lives will naturally fall into a God pleasing pattern. This requires us to consider what is a priority to us. Is it people? Resources? Reputation? Safety? Many things matter to us, and often they are not in competition with each other. We can usually take care of multiple things that matter, however, what happens when we do have to choose? When the situation arises that we cannot take care of multiple needs we will protect what matters most to us, it is the natural response. And, if we have failed to prioritize in a way that reflects God’s priorities, we will find ourselves in opposition to him.
I think prioritization issues are more common than we realize. I do not think the prevalence of abuse in Christian settings has arisen because believers intentionally choose to cause harm. I think the failure lies when too many believers protect the wrong priorities, leading to very ungodly results. Priorities matter in both of these ways. That we treat abuse and harm with the same importance as if it happened to us, and that we asses what matters to us in a way that reflects God’s values.
I started this letter with the statement that I have a concern- because I do. The issue of abuse and church hurt is one that grieves me deeply. But I also have abundant hope because I have faith in a God who is good and wants good things for his people; a God who has shown His ability to heal and do so with abundance. I also have hope because I have witnessed healing, and it is a beautiful and wonderful thing. And last (but not least) I have hope because I hear from and see people within this church who share this concern with me. This hope is what leads me to think that there are good things in store as we continue this journey of creating a space of healing.
I want to address a specific concern I have regarding the prevalence of abuse and harm that exists within Christian communities (including churches, homes, educational institutions, and para church organizations). To be clear, and to address any possib le speculation, there is no one person here in our Community Baptist Church congregation that is the catalyst for this concern. Rather, it is my own experience: seeing, stories and news reports of church harm in the wider world, personally hearing many accounts of individuals’ experiences, and witnessing for myself the harms that have occurred in Christian settings. There is a saying that states, “nothing can hurt like a church, also nothing can heal like a church”- I want all of us at Community Baptist Church to be a people that embodies the healing part of that statement. As previously communicated, this is the first of six letters that I intend to share with you addressing this concern. I am fully aware that letters will not effectively stop abuse or heal past hurt. My hope is that these letters will bring awareness, initiate curiosity, prompt discussion, create opportunity for honest assessment, and lead us towards practices which foster healing and prevent further harm.
I want to start by clarifying what I mean when I use words like abuse and harm. Abuse is the action that results in harm. Abuse includes many forms. Mental, physical, emotional, sexual, and spiritual abuse are all forms of abuse, and all lead to results of harm. While I understand that each instance of abuse is unique, and a variety of factors are involved in every abuse scenario, I also want to be clear that it is unnecessary to quantify or compare individual abuse experiences because none of it belongs in the church. Causing hurt has no place amongst a group of people that claim to follow the example of Jesus. We use the word abuse because we do not have to fear using the accurate word that describes mistreating someone and leaving them harmed. We acknowledge that we are called to overcome all forms of abuse and strive for the opposite of abuse- healing- because we have confidence in Christ’s example. Healing, restoration, and renewal is all language used to indicate a reversal from suffering to thriving and is the basis for what we teach as the good news of Jesus.
As the church we are called to be like Jesus. He gave us examples of healing in his life and ministry to learn from and practice. Because of these examples we can face any form of suffering with earnest trust in good outcomes. Here are a few characteristics of what healing like Jesus might look like:
- Healing is the opposite of harm. While it is true that Jesus did not appease people and at times was even wildly unpopular and rejected, he did not abuse people. We must not conflate refusal to appease with justification for causing harm, especially with those who are vulnerable and in our care. If the result of our interactions with others is hurt, especially if this is a common result, we must be honest that we might not be truly following Jesus’ example.
- Healing requires us to get to the source of the injury. Healing is not simply reducing conflict, covering over inflamed situations, or temporary relief. Rather healing addresses the source of harm and removes the cause so that lasting restoration can take place.
- Healing requires direct contact. Jesus came as the incarnate God and interacted directly with those he healed. He laid hands on people, listened to them, and had direct contact with those suffering. Policy, safety protocols, and programing have their place, but are insufficient on their own in preventing future abuse and healing hurt. To be a place of healing requires being directly involved with people. It can be inefficient and messy at times, but to be with people is to be more like Jesus.
- Healing requires love and compassion. Jesus’ example of healing is directly tied to His motivations of love and compassion. Jesus was not just proving a point or trying to impress people with his skills, He truly and deeply loved people and wanted to see them thrive. If we are not motivated by love and compassion and do not genuinely want to see people succeed (especially when we do not benefit from it) then we are not operating as Jesus did.
This brings us to the last part of this letter.
Our priorities matter. I mean two things when I say that priorities matter. The first is that if we treat abuse in the church as a casual problem, we will only give a casual attempt at a solution. Abuse is a serious concern that deserves our serious attention.
A central call in our community is to love God and love people. We do not shy away from the fact that this call is to love God with everything that we have, all our heart, all our soul, all our strength, and all our mind. Loving people is not a separate call; rather the two are integrated and cannot exist separately. We hypocritically claim to love God if we are not loving others, and we cannot even understand what love is unless we first are loved by and reciprocate love with God. The call to love others as we love our selves is a description of HOW we love them. We love others in the same way we love ourselves. This is the priority. If I am hungry, it does not leave my attention until I have satisfied that hunger. If I am hurt, I cannot forget that it happened. The hurt stays with me and it will not get better until it is prioritized and addressed. This is how we love others, as if it was happening to us. We prioritize their healing the same way we prioritize our own.
The second thing I mean when I say “priorities matters” is that we need to assess and be intentional about what matters most to us. St. Augustine talks about living a righteous life through the means of a well-ordered heart. If we prize the things that ought to be loved the most, and we give less love to things that ought to be loved less, then our lives will naturally fall into a God pleasing pattern. This requires us to consider what is a priority to us. Is it people? Resources? Reputation? Safety? Many things matter to us, and often they are not in competition with each other. We can usually take care of multiple things that matter, however, what happens when we do have to choose? When the situation arises that we cannot take care of multiple needs we will protect what matters most to us, it is the natural response. And, if we have failed to prioritize in a way that reflects God’s priorities, we will find ourselves in opposition to him.
I think prioritization issues are more common than we realize. I do not think the prevalence of abuse in Christian settings has arisen because believers intentionally choose to cause harm. I think the failure lies when too many believers protect the wrong priorities, leading to very ungodly results. Priorities matter in both of these ways. That we treat abuse and harm with the same importance as if it happened to us, and that we asses what matters to us in a way that reflects God’s values.
I started this letter with the statement that I have a concern- because I do. The issue of abuse and church hurt is one that grieves me deeply. But I also have abundant hope because I have faith in a God who is good and wants good things for his people; a God who has shown His ability to heal and do so with abundance. I also have hope because I have witnessed healing, and it is a beautiful and wonderful thing. And last (but not least) I have hope because I hear from and see people within this church who share this concern with me. This hope is what leads me to think that there are good things in store as we continue this journey of creating a space of healing.